Developing self-regulation and self-control skills in children with autism is an important task to help them cope with everyday challenges. Self-regulation is the ability to manage one’s emotions, behaviors, and reactions to external stimuli. For children with autism, this can be especially challenging because of sensory sensitivities, difficulties in communication and understanding social norms. But with certain strategies, parents can help their child develop these skills.
How self-regulation develops in children with autism
Self-regulation is not formed in isolation, but through the experience of co-regulation with loved ones. A child learns to cope with stress by observing how adults respond to their emotions. Support is especially important for children with autism, whose nervous systems are more sensitive.
The adult is like an anchor in the child’s emotional storm. His calmness helps the baby to cope with the overload. Therefore, the development of self-regulation in the child begins with the self-regulation of the adult.
Even as adults, we still need the support of others – this is the power of co-regulation.
How to recognize that the self-regulatory system is disturbed?
Pay attention to:
- difficulties in emotional reactions (the child chooses responses not appropriate to the situation);
- disorders of physiological maturation;
- behavioral disorders (the child withdraws into himself / does not hear the adult’s instructions / quickly overexcited or apathetic, shows self-aggression or aggression towards others).
Strategies for developing self-regulation in a child with autism
1. Gradual introduction to rules
It is important for children with autism to understand what is expected of them. Start with simple and clear rules. For example, if your child often yells when he or she doesn’t like something, explain, “When you’re angry, you can say ‘I’m having a hard time’ or use an emotion card.” Support this with visual cues – pictures or symbols that will help the child remember the rule.
2. Using Visual Schedules
Visual schedules are a great tool for developing self-control in children with autism. They help the child understand what will happen next and reduce anxiety. For example, if a child knows that dinner is waiting for them after playtime, they are less likely to resist moving from one activity to the next. Schedules can be made of pictures or photographs that show sequentially what will happen throughout the day.
3. Practice breathing techniques
Breathing exercises help your child calm down in stressful situations. For example, teach him to “breathe like a bear”: deep inhale through the nose, hold the breath for a few seconds and slowly exhale through the mouth. This can be turned into a game to keep the child interested. Repeat the exercise regularly so that it becomes a habit.
4. Creating a “zone of calm”
Sometimes a child needs a place to retreat and regain emotional balance. Organize a “calm zone” – it can be a corner with soft cushions, favorite toys or books. Gradually explain to your child that he can use this space when he feels overwhelmed. For example, if he starts screaming because of loud noises, suggest that he go to the “calm zone” and listen to his favorite music through headphones.
5. Using timers and alerts
Children with autism often have difficulty shifting their attention. Timers and alerts help them prepare for a change in activity. For example, say, “In 5 minutes we will finish playing and go to dinner.” Use an audible timer or visual time counter so your child can see how much time is left.
6. Modeling Behavior
Children with autism learn by watching adults, just like their neurotypical peers. Show how you handle difficult situations. For example, if you drop something and get upset, say, “I’m angry, but I’ll take a deep breath and try again.” This will help your child understand that it is normal to feel emotions, but it is important to be able to regulate them.
7. Encouragement and Positive Reinforcement
Praise your child for trying to handle emotions or follow rules. For example, if he used an emotion card instead of yelling, say, “You did good! You were able to tell that you were having a hard time.” This will motivate him to use the new skills more often.
Individuality and the path to self-regulation
Developing self-regulation in a child with autism is not a quick or universal process. Each child is unique, with different sensory sensitivities, levels of anxiety, communication skills and individual learning speeds. What works for one child may not work for another. It is therefore important to adopt an approach based on observation, respect for the needs and acceptance of the child’s personality. You should not compare his behavior or progress to other children – even those who are also on the spectrum. It’s best to compare today’s child to yourself in the past: noticing how he’s gotten better at handling frustration, how he’s started using emotion cards, how he’s learned to focus longer on a task, or how he’s less likely to resort to yelling. These small steps are the foundation for big progress.
Parents and educators should realize that self-regulation develops gradually as a skill. It does not happen on its own and requires constant practice. Therefore, patience is one of the most important resources that adults need. A child may ignore the suggested techniques for a long time, refuse to breathe, refuse to go to the “zone of calm”, break down again and again. This is normal. You should not take such moments as a failure – it is part of the journey. The main thing is to remain consistent and friendly. It is important for the child to feel that he is not being punished for difficult emotions, but accompanied and supported in the process of living them. Then, over time, he or she will begin to use the tools offered – at first with prompting, then more and more independently.
Adult support as a basis for self-regulation
The influence of an adult on a child’s self-regulation development cannot be overemphasized. The emotional state of the parent is like an anchor in the storm of the child’s feelings. When the adult remains calm, softness in his voice, composure and empathy, the child feels that there is support nearby. It is in such moments that the mechanism of co-regulation is formed, without which there can be no self-regulation. Children learn to cope with their emotions only by receiving clear examples and support in the process. This requires adults to be internally resilient. This is why it is crucial for adults to take care of themselves. If you are exhausted, on edge, and often react with irritation, this is no reason to blame yourself. It is a signal that you need rest, respite, and emotional nourishment. Adult self-regulation is the first step to building self-regulation in a child.
Creating a stable, predictable, and safe environment is also key. Children with autism are particularly sensitive to chaos, surprises, and disruption of routine. When there is consistency, clear rules, visual cues and clear boundaries in a child’s life, their anxiety levels are reduced and they become more able to learn new ways of responding. Equally important is the emotional climate – the child needs to feel fully accepted, both when he is cheerful and when he is upset, and when he cannot cope with his feelings. Only in an atmosphere of non-judgmental acceptance can a child learn to understand himself.
Sometimes it may seem that development is too slow. Parents expect a “quick fix”, especially when so much effort has already been put in. It is important to remind ourselves that working with self-regulation is not a marathon with a finish line. It is an ongoing, living process that continues throughout life. Even adults don’t always know how to deal with emotions. We too need support, sympathy, and attention. And it is this approach – humane, patient, accepting – that gives a child a chance to learn to be at ease with himself.
Conclusion
Developing self-regulation in children with autism takes time, patience and adult involvement. Through co-regulation, clear rules, visual cues and regular practice, the child learns to cope with emotions and stress. The adult, through example and stability, helps the child to feel safe and learn self-control. The main thing is to be close, supportive and happy even with small steps forward.
